Regrets

I don’t have many regrets. I do wish I had done some things differently, but I don’t really regret all that much.
The notable exception is a more recent one, and it taught me a lot about myself and what I really want.
I regret allowing myself to be talked into taking a relationship to a level I neither wanted or was ready for.
On the upside, the ensuing fallout forced me to rethink everything. I had to put words into action, and I did. And I’m happier for it.
I’m not going to lie, it’d be nice if there was a guy in my life, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my sanity and my heart for someone who is less than worthy. And let’s face it, I have a history of getting involved with guys who are not good for me, and who are nowhere near as “nice” as they seem on the surface. (Emotional abuse & manipulation is super fun!)
I’m not going to lie, I’m still attracted to my “type”, it’s just that now I recognise that they’re toxic arseholes and I don’t deserve that shit.
But on top of that, I’m finding myself drawn to men who are genuinely good people. I’m finding myself attracted to men who I don’t find physically appealing at the start, but as I get to know them better, become dead sexy.
I’m learning to see the charm & allure of a well-formed mind. The sensuality of self-confidence & assurance. The sexiness of knowledge without being a know-it-all.
Now if only I could meet a single guy like that… and find his mind as depraved & dark as mine.

Confessions

I’m having one of those days where I just don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to just curl up and cry in the arms of someone who loves me and doesn’t think less of me when I break down. And apart from my mother, I don’t have anyone like that. I don’t trust anyone else enough to let myself go and just cry, and that just makes it worse.

Certifiably insane

So here’s the plan. In 5 years time, I would like to move overseas for at least a year. That’s 3 years for me to complete my current degree, then 2 years to save/organise. The catch is this – I also want to go back to uni and study some more, this time, zoology. And yes, I realise that I am certifiably insane for wanting this, but screw it.
This also leaves no room for a relationship. (Unlike some, I don’t expect someone to give up their life for my dreams. )

Somebody shoot me.

The problem with having hope

The thought that people could change. That people who have treated you badly in the past will suddenly care and start treating you with respect. And then the realisation that they don’t care. That the only thing they ever did care about was themself and what they could get.

I wish I was more cynical sometimes.

Hello 2013, don’t you look nice!

So it’s the start of a new year, and I guess it’s time I talked about what I plan to get out of this year. I’m not talking about resolutions per-say, but there are a few things that I would like to achieve this year, so I’m going to give it a shot.

1. Write more –  I want to get published. More than that, I want to be good enough that people will want to read what I’ve put out there. This means practice. This means writing. I want to finish writing the novel I started in November last year before my birthday. I want to improve my craft to the point where I can actually make my living from it. And just as an FYI, if you know me in person, you’ll show up in a story at some point. There is no escaping that. Keep this in mind when dealing with me.

2. Exercise more – I have done much better with exercise in 2012, but I could do more. This year I plan on kicking it up a notch. This means that I will have to take special care of my knee (I cannot afford a repeat of last Feb/March and the pain/annoyance of a dislocated knee).

3. Vlog –  Yes, I said it. I actually want to start vlogging this year. Don’t ask me why, I just do.

So, yeah. Nothing overly special, and nothing that’s going to cause the end of the world if I fail. It’s really more a matter of giving it a go.

So, huh…

I just realised that this is the longest that I’ve been single in my adult life, and it’s only a shade over 9 months.

In about 2 weeks time, it will be 11 years since I was in my first relationship.
I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 17. We were together for 6 and a half years. I left him in April ’08, and in December that year I started dating Mikel.
2 and a half years later he left for the US, and a month after that I got sick of not being able to contact him and broke up with him, although if I’m being honest, it really just took me that long to realise that he’d left me and I’d been a fool to think that the LDR plan was ever going to work.
By October I was dating The Puppy in what was possibly the most foolish thing I’ve done to date. Why on earth I ever thought that officially dating the FWB/rebound guy would be a good idea, I’m not sure I will ever know. As we all know by now, that melted down in a rather spectacular fashion back in March, and I’ve been single since. And unlike 2008, I have steered clear of any casual arrangements I may have made, and have chosen to forgo offers of creating some kind of FWB relationship.

It comes down to this.
Nick destroyed my trust. By the time I got it back again, Mikel tore it out from under me, and I became extremely commitment-phobic. (Serious panic attacks and all that nonsense included.) The ill-advised stint with Kodi then made those fears even worse, as I was blamed and shamed for feeling that way, even whilst he was taking advantage of me.

I decided that enough was enough, and until I was whole again (or at least mostly back together) I was going to steer clear of any sort of relationship. And yes, this has lead to me being rather frustrated and possibly a little cynical. I don’t even know that I fully trust my own judgment when it comes to men anymore. And whilst I’m content enough to be single, there are times when it would be nice to have a partner. Of course, now I feel the need to make a joke about staying single until Tom Hiddleston comes along, but even that is wearing a little thin these days. I guess the holidays are making me feel it more than normal right now. *shrugs*

But who knows?

It’s coming up to Christmas… again… already…

HULK SMASH!!!

I have a temper. I don’t always have the best control over how I act when aggravated. When that happens, I hermit so I don’t lose it, because when I lose it, it tends to be in rather a spectacular fashion. It’s been over a year since I screamed at my then partner on the street in Sydney, and I have no desire to start raging like a woman possessed again over something so trivial. It’s already got me shaking and on the verge of tears, the last thing I need is to lose my shit because someone else has failed to use their brain and the rest of us have to deal with the results again. I doubt I’ll be getting much sleep tonight, which means that my 14 hour work day is going to be even longer.

On the upside, my final creative writing submission is finished. Hooray.

Suicide Awareness Day

So today is Suicide Awareness Day.
Too many people are lost to suicide, and it’s so pointless. I know it sounds stupid, but it does get better. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it feels like it can only get worse. When you feel alone, pathetic, useless, unloved. You aren’t those things. You are unique. You are amazing. You are special. And you deserve to live your life and see it get better.